goalsides | MAYA;

Yeah. I.... I really believed it, at the time. I believed with all my heart that killing her would save everyone, and that I was the only one who could do it.

[ she clenches her fists ]

I was so stupid.

Edited 2021-07-25 03:45 (UTC)

[he's going to light this campus on fire.]

You weren't...this place messes with people. You remember that, don't you? It's what we said about Tsuyukusa, too.

I know... I just....

[ maya can forgive literally everyone but herself ]

With everything, and Denji... I can't help but feel responsible.

...[he's gonna feel shitty about this, but.]

Do you think Manwol would hold this against you?

I know that she doesn't.

[ her voice gets very pitchy and uneven and she's close to tears ]

The whole time, all she wanted to do was save me. Even though she knew what I--- she knew what I was going to do.

[oh fuck, whoops. he holds up his hands like he's placating her, or like he's about to put them on her shoulders.]

Okay. Okay, then...I'm sure she'll forgive you. And she'll want you to forgive yourself, too. That wasn't you.

[ that's u get taichi!!! ]

It's.... it's not that easy for me to accept something like that, you know. Even though I want to.

...I know you're probably not gonna believe me, but I get it. It's not gonna happen overnight, but...it's something we have to keep in mind so we don't drown.

... You get it?

[ she believes him, she just wants to know more ]

...sometimes you find that you really don't have another choice. Even when people tell you it's okay, other people might object. But it doesn't change that you believe something to be true and have to take that chance to try and see things through to save other people. Even if it's the right thing, it doesn't make it easier afterwards, I think, to deal with what happens next.

[ maya listens to this..... and puts a hand on his arm ]

(I think I understand...)

Yeah. I ... almost wish people were angry at me, you know? Everyone just.. being so kind... it makes it harder, to.... really forgive myself. You must understand that a little, too.

Sort of, yeah. You want people to protest because you know that what you did wasn't morally right, even if it was the best option at the time and it was necessary.

[...]

Do you remember what I told you about Thursday and the monsters we fought in the Fear Factory?

[ me runs to check the pc bc ive been dealing with murder stuff the past few days ]

That you had to fight... or die?

...that too, but that the monster I fought was myself, specifically.

[you were busy its ok.]

[ ill get back to it.... ]

Yeah, I remember you telling me.

[ ill face myself plays in the bg wait wrong ty character ]

I think...no matter what the circumstances, you're always going to be the last person to forgive yourself even after everybody else has. But at the same time, don't push people away because they're being kind about what happened.

.... I'm not trying to push people away.

[ it's just a little overwhelming, is all ]

...you get what I mean though, right?

[even if it's not pushing people away, let people help you the only way they know they can.]

Yeah, I do.... I want to let them help me. I just.... don't know if I can be helped, really.

[ and she doesn't want to disappoint them. ]

...what makes you say that, exactly?

[ hesitates, but...... she has a feeling they have this in common, so ]

I feel like I'm kind of.... cracked inside. I don't know.

[unfortunately, yeah, that is familiar. he doesn't say so but the look on his face seems to make it a little more than obvious.]

Like everything suddenly doesn't really fit right anymore?

.... Something like that, yeah.

(I had a feeling you'd get it...)

...it's probably going to take a while to fix the pieces. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. But I guess...it's okay for people to know so they can help where they can.

[ the problem is most of them can't really help, especially just by telling her over and over that it's not her fault ]

I don't have that much time left, so I'd rather focus on helping everyone else get through this.

I'd like... to let everyone help me out, too... I just don't know that there's really anything they can do.

(no subject)

goalsides - 2021-07-30 02:25 (UTC) - Expand