LUX;

[goalsides]

Comments

[illuminance]

I can care for someone without burdening them with my one-sided feelings.

They will not bring him peace, they will not bring him strength, they will not bring him happiness. I will not regret having not said them, and I will not regret him having not heard them. I'm saving everyone from a very uncomfortable conversation.

[ but she's concerned now because, hello? ]

... Are you afraid of that? Letting something go unsaid?

[goalsides]

[he considers this briefly.]

...if you're sure. [it's lux's business. if she's really sure of it, there's no reason for him to meddle and needle at her. he'll drop it even if this is a feedback loop of concern. he doesn't reply for a while and he thinks about pulling the same card, but in the end he shrugs.]

It's a complicated situation.

[illuminance]

Complicated how?

[ oh good, concern feedback loop. she normally might not press much on this, but they're this deep in the conversation. and he got to ask her questions. it only seems fair. ]

[goalsides]

It just is? [which he knows is a cop-out answer, but he also knows he's being unfair.]

It's more like...yeah, I guess maybe it's a little of that and it's a little of not knowing if saying things will make them worse. That's the last thing I want to do when it can wait. But there's no telling how long it can wait because of the part where we really don't know how long we'll be here. So it's just...stupid. All of it.

[illuminance]

[ well, she really can't argue, given how certain her own crush is a total dead-end that would waste everyone's time. but at least in her case she feels sure it would make things worse.

'not knowing' is different, she thinks. ]

... I think that if good can come from it, it's better to say it. But I trust you to have a better understanding of your own situation than I can.

[goalsides]

[...he shrugs.]

I dunno. It took me a while to understand anything. And I'm not even sure I do understand anything. [there's also a pang of worry that flares up, along with doubt.] Timing's a weird thing. I think our situations are a little different though.

[therefore he is not a hypocrite.]

[illuminance]

That... Doesn't sound like something that began here.

[ can something really have 'taken a while' when they've been here only four weeks? but she nods thoughtfully. if their situations are different, that means she's not a hypocrite either. good! ]

[goalsides]

[...yeah he just. gently raises an eyebrow. are you really going to make him say it, lux?]

[illuminance]

... I see.

[ she hadn't really? put it together until now?

she doesn't know what normal friends are like and she's very repressed, okay! but there is a small but growing sense of understanding. ]

[goalsides]

[that makes two of them, actually.]

That's good because I don't. [haha. there's that same weird white noise swirl of emotions that seems to be an indicator he doesn't know what he's supposed to feel.] It's not really...it doesn't matter because we're going back together no matter what, and there's no point stressing him out by trying to figure out if this is a thing or if it's just me being an idiot about stuff. It's different for people who are on more limited time.

[illuminance]

I think that makes perfect sense.

... I think that... As long as he knows that you're there for him, the specifics need not be insisted upon right now. As long as there is no loss of support for one another through difficult times.

[goalsides]

Mm...you're probably right. [it's confusing, so he doesn't want to think too hard on it.] There isn't anything that could happen that'd make me support him less, so I'm not worried about that.

[this is why you're both a part of the single epidemic.]

[illuminance]

... Then it's fine for things to stay as they are, for now.

[ also lux figures if she's a disaster about this kind of thing there's no reason to expect people younger than her to be less of a disaster. ]

[goalsides]

[...there's a nod.]

Thanks, Luxanna. [that'll just be another thing to obsess about later.] ...let's just keep this between us then, okay?

[illuminance]

In the shadows.

[ ...... that's a yes. ]

[goalsides]

[there's a grin.]

Thanks. [...] So I also need to find a date for Denji. Don't ask, it's just a thing. Any ideas?

[illuminance]

If it's a date like any of the other meaningless dates we've gone on, I could do it?

I'm afraid I'm not sure who he's close enough with to make a more apt suggestion.

[goalsides]

It's for a bet I made with Leo. If I don't get Denji a date, Leo's gonna die my hair rainbow colors. If I do though Leo has to go on a date with whoever I tell him to.

[it's. dumb teenage boy stuff. it's fine.]

I was gonna ask Futaba, too. They're about the same age and they're both pretty weird anyway.

[illuminance]

It's good that you're finding fun things to light the way.

[ she means that! ]

It couldn't hurt to check with her. She could probably use something to cheer her up.

[goalsides]

Yeah. It's the least I can do to make things a little less stressful. [we can't be traumatized forever. it's not fair.]

I'm a little worried about her after everything that just happened. So that's kind of what I was thinking, too.

[illuminance]

Well. Let me know what she answers. If you need a backup, I'm happy to help.

[goalsides]

I owe you one. [there's genuine gratitude there.] I'll let you know as soon as I know.

[illuminance]

Sure.

[ ... hrm, some embarrassment here because they sure did cover a lot of ground here. ]

Um... Thank you. For talking to me about all this. I don't think I've ever talked to anyone about such things before.

[ about crushes or boys or. anything like that. ]

[goalsides]

Oh. [he's surprised, but like pleasantly so.] Yeah. I mean it's...always gonna be weird and kind of embarrassing but maybe talking about that kind of stuff isn't so bad? It's like I told you before. Other people do want to get to know you.

[even if it's just talking about stupid things like that.]

So thanks for letting me.

[illuminance]

Of course. The same to you.

It's been very strange, to be able to be myself so wholly, here. To be able to use magic and speak of it to anyone when that would have been forbidden back home. Even talking about crushes is... Embarrassing, yes. But something I wouldn't have been able to do before, given the circumstances.