LUX;

[goalsides]

Comments

[goalsides]

[he thinks about not actually answering her, but...it's lux. and maybe she'll understand.]

Because it means that a person that loves you wants to know everything about you, and there are some parts that maybe shouldn't be shared sometimes. Or they're too difficult to share.

[illuminance]

[ she understands that well, and nods. but her idea of it is a little different. ]

... I imagine that being in love is finally losing that fear. I imagine that love is something where - that would be the one person you don't have to be afraid will reject parts of you.

[goalsides]

Oh, no. It's not about that. [he seems certain about that.] I'm not worried about people rejecting things.

[...but he doesn't elaborate this time and instead he smiles slightly.]

But you're right. The whole point of being in love is that the other person cares about you unconditionally. It's a nice idea. And even after that, being in love probably means that those parts will change and be stronger together.

[illuminance]

[ hm, she's a little curious about what he means, but... he doesn't really open up much, she's noticed. so the idea of him being unsettled by 'they would expect you to open up' makes sense.

her own undercurrent of desperation isn't going anywhere, but at least there's a genuine warmth at the idea of romance kind of overpowering it. ]

Helping one another to change and grow. Filling in one another's blanks, and learning from one another's best traits.

It sounds like a truly wonderful thing.

[goalsides]

[someone please love lux, i am begging. but there's a sense of reassurance, followed by something...fond, maybe, that doesn't quite fit with his other emotions.]

It is. [it's said immediately, but then he pauses as if debating how to continue there.] The idea of being with someone is that it's someone you'll be with for a lot time, right? So being able to grow and change and make each other better makes sense. Why would you be with anyone else?

People usually are better with strength from other people anyway. [he says all of this, but there is a slight disconnect between what he's saying and how he feels about it being applied to himself.]

[illuminance]

[ huh. that disconnect is... interesting? but she's also not unfamiliar with grey areas and internal conflicts. liking things and not wanting them, maybe? she's not sure. ]

Well. If you desire such a thing, just get your fortune told by practically anyone here, and they will assure you that love is on its way!

[goalsides]

[there's a laugh then.]

As fun as it is, I think I'll pass. [but...] We've been here for a while now. You think it's been enough time for people to start feeling that way about other people?

[illuminance]

Everything starts somewhere.

I think it would be strange for anyone to feel any certainty that they've met some kind of soul mate. But being attracted to someone, liking what you've gotten to know of them, and finding that it's mutual - that wouldn't surprise me.

[goalsides]

[hm...]

Have you found someone you've thought of like that since we got here?

[he may have also gone to soc 145 today, it's fine.]

[illuminance]

[ there's like a wave of shame? it's fine, she's smiling brightly! ]

No.

What about you?

[goalsides]

[no shame!! there's a flicker of concern? hello?

and that's immediately drowned out by...some kind of weird white noise? it's like a cacophony of emotions that are tangled up and can't be identified properly.]

Nah, not really.

[which is technically true because the person he'd even consider is someone he met prior to here. loopholes!]

...there's nothing wrong with that, you know. [he is not? ignoring the shame wave??]

[illuminance]

[ she raises an eyebrow at him because she should be allowed her shame if he's allowed his white noise ]

... I think it isn't worth dwelling on childish crushes that aren't going to be returned. That's all.

[goalsides]

[listen the white noise is because he's stupid it's fine. now he just looks a little determined.]

What makes you so sure they aren't going to be returned? Have you asked?

[illuminance]

I just know. It isn't a big deal.

[ she's being sincere about that - despite her General Desperation, it isn't directed at this in particular. ]

Liking someone can be a very different thing from wanting anything from them or with them.

[goalsides]

[that makes him pause to think for a second.]

I'm not gonna point out that that didn't answer my question and stand by maybe telling the person before deciding it won't go anywhere. But I think I get it. Sometimes you can just like a person because of who they are, even if they aren't actually right for you. Something like that?

[illuminance]

Telling them would only make things uncomfortable for us both, believe me.

Do you recall when everyone was biting one another?

[goalsides]

[there's just a curious blink.]

Yeah. What about it?

[illuminance]

If we consider that a decent indicator of attraction, then I already have my answer.

[goalsides]

[...just...humming.]

That was weeks ago. It's not like people's feelings can't change.

[illuminance]

[ there's some small amount of frustration. ]

I think I am probably too young, and I don't think there has been any improvement in feelings. I would appreciate it if you could trust my judgement that this is not anything worth pursuing.

[goalsides]

[there's frustration from him, too, along with a little bit of concern still so that's great.]

It's not that I don't trust your judgement it's just--[...internal screaming.] Never mind.

[...] Nier said something to me the other day that I didn't really think about until it was pointed out. We don't actually know when it'll be anybody's last day. So...we should care and let people care about us. Easier said than done sometimes, right?

[the long and short is that he was pressing because he does think lux needs people to care about her but she might be like him and have a harder time letting that happen.]

[illuminance]

I can care for someone without burdening them with my one-sided feelings.

They will not bring him peace, they will not bring him strength, they will not bring him happiness. I will not regret having not said them, and I will not regret him having not heard them. I'm saving everyone from a very uncomfortable conversation.

[ but she's concerned now because, hello? ]

... Are you afraid of that? Letting something go unsaid?

[goalsides]

[he considers this briefly.]

...if you're sure. [it's lux's business. if she's really sure of it, there's no reason for him to meddle and needle at her. he'll drop it even if this is a feedback loop of concern. he doesn't reply for a while and he thinks about pulling the same card, but in the end he shrugs.]

It's a complicated situation.

[illuminance]

Complicated how?

[ oh good, concern feedback loop. she normally might not press much on this, but they're this deep in the conversation. and he got to ask her questions. it only seems fair. ]

[goalsides]

It just is? [which he knows is a cop-out answer, but he also knows he's being unfair.]

It's more like...yeah, I guess maybe it's a little of that and it's a little of not knowing if saying things will make them worse. That's the last thing I want to do when it can wait. But there's no telling how long it can wait because of the part where we really don't know how long we'll be here. So it's just...stupid. All of it.